Enders game

I forget sometimes.

I forget why I deal with the crap I deal with.

All the money spent.

The time lost.

The aggravation ,

Frustration ,

Stress,

And sleepless nights.

I look at this whole "college situation" as inconvenient . I'm spending all this money (my parents and myself), working this hard, getting this stressed to earn a piece of paper that doesn't promise me anything.

It doesn't promise me a future.

Doesn't promise me a job.

It doesn't promise me even one thing. all it is, is proof that for four years , four long hard years I worked my ass off to be able to say that I specialize in something.

It's a lot, sometimes.

I go through mental breakdowns where I question what is or is not worth it. I try to decide if what I'm doing is what I want - or if it's my proof that I'm not a screw up. That I can succeed .

There is always that moment, though.

That moment where you remember why it is you are breaking your neck, bank, and sleeping habits. You remember what you're paying for, what you're stressing for, what you're fighting for and you remember that ,at the endof the day,

It IS worth it.

For those of you who didn't know, I want to be a film maker. It is my goal to specialize in special effects and computer animation- and today, for the first time in a long time, I saw a movie that reminded me.

Reminded me of why I want to do film.

Why I wanted to fight hard.

Stress tons.

Sleep little.

Why I did te things I did, paid the thousands I had to pay and why I don't regret ANY of it.

Film is my passion. It is my heart-

More then anything I want to recreate ideas, take people to other worlds, change perception , create new species. ... Imagination is the key to all creation.

And I, TJ want to create.

Keeping your eye on your passion keeps your drive in check. Keeps your goals in check. 

Keeping an eye on your passion is the key to absolute success.

If you drive hard, the only person that can stop you is yourself.

I intend to drive .

#habits

I'm the queen of bad habits:

Not even the normal ones ( though I have plenty of those as well) - I bite my nails, crack my knuckles...

But past those two obvious ones, I have habits on habits on habits that don't even make sense, really.

1. I pick up and mimic accents.

This doesn't sound that bad, but it's a problem because it is unintentional and random. I could be talking to a customer at work and then suddenly I'm mimicking their accent in a way that almost comes off offensive. I'm a jerk, real talk. 

2. I cuss for days.

I cuss enough to give even the worst construction worker, the worst sailor a run for his money. I use words where they don't even make sense, and I say them angrily even when a sentence is happy! It has gotten so bad that I swear I am itchy when I don't have the chance to cuss. Like, I have rashes. It's uncontrollable! And not all that ideal. How does one explain a cuss rash. "Oh don't worry about it- let me just scream offensive words at someone and it too shall pass"

3. I'm such an ass hole.

I can't help it. Sarcasm is one thing, but I literally can't control my tounge when it come to the stupidity of others. And it is interesting, because I'm super caring and loving as an individual until someone says something that gets me going- and it will get me going or DAYS. 

For instance at the gym.

"Omg, TJ is that you"

No. It's someone else.

"You look great!!!"

Well... In covered in sweat, my makeup is halfway  down  my face and I smell like that of a wild pig- I'm pretty much ready for prom.

"It's crazy to run into you"

There is only one gym in town and we see eachother here every other week, so you're right. Totally unlikely.

"What are you doing here anyways!?"

You know. Hunting elephants.

4. I only want what I can't have.

Relationships, man.

Relationships for days- I feel like a guy because I really want to be with someone until he wants me back. Once he wants me back, feelings change, hearts are broken, and I walk out of everything fine .

This is not somethig I'm proud of, don't get me wrong. I feel bad, and if I could change it I would . But it's just me- half of what attracts me to someone is the chase . Without that, I've lost interest.

5. I make faces .

Like. All the time.

My faces are ridiculous - you know how when your friends decide they want to take a picture and you KNOW you don't look good and therefore don't want to smile in a way that indicates that you were mislead Into believing that your looks alone would find you love one day, so you make that awkward face in order to justify your lack of general hygiene? Yea. Me- all the time. I just make weird faces.

When I study. When I sleep. When I'm filling up my soda at work. I can't even help it.

6. I, TJ, am a fast foodaholic . 

I'm addicted! No shame. (Some shame.) I eat out every meal, every day, every time. I don't know what it is mentally or if I'm just a food lover at heart- but it's a miracle I can walk. None the less that I'm a normal size for my age.

Good genes man. Thank The Lord.

Like I said, I'm a freak. I do weird things, I have weird habits and I ain't even trippin. The weird things I do, the habits I can't break make me who I am. What habits that you have define you? 

I'm proud of the ridiculous person I am.

But I'm about to go get panda right now. Love you all, TJ. 

#bestsport

As a general rule, people respond to the fact that I play rugby in one of two ways.

1) They exclaim "you're such a badass". Or go with

2) "what's rugby?"

Work.. Work... Work

I use to love working.

Not in a- "this is the best thing ever" sort of way, but more of a - "I could probably be content doing this for the rest of my life if I had no choice but to" Type of thing.

I always hear people complaining that "work is hard" and it depresses them,though I would personally never go that far... 

work is work.

Work is effort.

Work is trying.

And, goodness, college has brought some sort of lazy out of me.

A job I use to love, I can't stand.

Customers I use to care about, they drive me nuts. Everything gets repetitive, every complaint gets constant, and the patient side of me realizes that THIS is probably the first time this person ever made that complaint- but that doesn't make it the first time I've heard it.

I'm pulling out my hair, over here!

Trying as hard as I can to be patient and understanding but when my mind has decided it's done with something, my body reacts like it is.

It's tough.

It's selfish.

We as human beings are meant to love each other even when we feel like we cannot. We are suppose to wait for each other even when we know that's going to make us farther behind.

It is such a struggle for me to remember this every day.

Then it I occurred to me.

I don't want to have a job I hate- doing things I hate so often I begin to hate the things I LOVE.

I want to love my job again.

I want to love the people I serve.

I want to love being good at what I do.

I want to be PASSIONATE about what I may or may not make a career out of.

Work is work.

That is absolute.

But life is also loving- and the two should REALLY go hand in hand.

Finding your passion

Back in middle school, and up through high school I witnessed hundreds of people breaking their backs, banks, and sanity fighting for one goal.

Though sometimes the goals were similar, more times then none - each of the people I witnessed were fightig for their own dream with their own success point in mind. 

For Why? I didn't get it! 

I've spent my whole life playing sports, instruments, singing, dancing, trying as much as I could while I could- and never , not once, did I ever feel PASSIONATE about any of it! Sure, some of it was fun, some of it I was phenomenal at- but never did I feel connected. Never did I feel like it was something I would work any harder for. 

As I got a bit older, my mentality changed and I began to just think all these people were crazy. 

My cousin, one of the ones I grew up with, was accepted to Stanford on a full ride football scholarship. He gave up eating fast food, he studied his ass off, worked out harder and longer then ALL of his high school teammates and friends-

The dude was nuts. 

I was impressed by what he had accomplished, but dumbfounded at the decisions he had to make - and all the delicious food he had to give up! No way!

Ultimately, I thought it was absolutely foolish. Have a dream, but don't lose yourself in it.

That's were I was wrong.

If you're going to have a dream, then you should lose yourself in it.

You should be crazy for it.

Passionate , even.

Three months ago, I went to my first practice for the womens rugby team. As I walked on the pitch for the first time I would have never thought I would have fallen so in love with the sport. 

There is no feeling like destroying someone in a tackle, being so in shape that you know (and get to use) the exact capabilities of your body;

Getting faster.

Getting stronger.

Getting better.

I happily go to conditioning after 8 hour work days, sprinting my butt off- practicing harder then I ever did for any other sport I played.

It's different though.

Unlike for softball, or soccer, or violin, or singing, or dancing- I didn't walk out on the pitch naturally talented, or naturally good.

I've had to work my ass off to get better.

Every day I get better, every day I work harder, every day I give even more.

I am by NO means the best player on my team, I'm not the most talented rookie, 

But I am so passionate about this.

I'm so in love with this quick pased, violent sport. And I will work hard at it until the last time I walk off that pitch. 

Find your passion.

Find the something you want to push for, fight for, and succeed in.

Lose yourself, lose every inch of yourself in what you love.

Otherwise, what's the point.

-TJ 

Adventure Craving

Adventures are my favorite. 

Give me a car, give me a sleeping bag, give me ten dollars- and ill see you in two weeks. 

I am all about experiencing the world God created us in, and traveling through it to see as much of it as i can WHILE i can. Its hard for me to comprehend just why others would spend their whole lives sitting in one corner of this huge planet, and never see what else it has to offer. 

I do not want to pass away, look down and see exactly what i missed out on. I want to have lived every second of it. 

But to each their own. Some people really thrive in their little corner of the world. 

Maybe they make a name for themselves.

Maybe they make a life.

A family. 

Happy is happy, and for each person that looks a little bit different- which i respect.

But for me, and in my mind- I WANT TO SEE THE WORLD.

Thats the adventure side of me. 

So, as you may know from a previous blog post, I just recently started college. 

And I am Struggling. 

Unfortunately, due to my financial situation, I am working 40 hours, going to school full time, and attempting to make time for my rugby practice (another post for another time). 

Significance in these facts? I am ALWAYS busy. 

I sleep maybe four hours a day (if im lucky),

I very rarely see my friends,

I dont have time to clean (but really, who's complaining)

And I only have time for take-out but dont make enough money to  purchase it while maintaining my financial stability. 

Out of some blessing from God, though- i had free time today after church and was luckily able to go on my first official "College Adventure". 

A friend of mine and I went up to a mountain about 45 minutes from campus. It was spur of the moment, and probably a stupid idea.

Why?

We'll, as I've said in earlier posts ; I am on my university's rugby team. (A sport which is easy to love) and in loving this sport I lovingly sprained part of the arches in BOTH of my feet... With love.

So why was I, someone who probably should have been icing my jacked up feetsies, out on a mountain side jumping from rock to rock with those feet and practice in the morning ?

Because.Yolo.

Kidding! But really, after a week of working, of studying, of practicing, of PEOPLE it was nice to be on a mountain, to be away from everything, and to feel calm. 

 

Only. I'm not calm.

I think I may have scared my friend a bit. A lot of the people are used to me being stressed . Tired. Or pissed.

Which I'm not naturally.

I was dancing, and waving my arms irrationally. Standing on rocks screaming

"IM UGLY!!! AND IM PROUD!"

(Sponge bob reference, anybody?) 

I have a really cute scar from a tree I tried to climb ( I use the word climb very loosely) 

I don't know. It was just fun.

I think that's something we should all attempt to remember to do, sometimes. If we were meant to live, why don't we. Be free

Be foolish

Be an absolute freak.

I for one am not judging.

Adventures for the win <3 

 

The athlete

    "But you eat unhealthy"

     "But you don't always go the gym.."

      "But you work at a fast food store!"

Uhm. So? 

Yesterday was the first day of practice for rugby - and the first thing my roommate, Sarah , said was - "you drink too much soda , fat ass" (I may have shortened it a bit, but you get the idea.)

Sarah hasn't known me long - just over a couple months , and she has this tendency to make a ton of assumptions based on who she thinks I am. (As do a lot of my other roommates friends - they assume because they know her, they know me.)

Some times her assumptions are accurate, and sometimes they are just ignorant but, by any means, they are uncalled for, and unasked for. 

I love my roommate, despite our disagreements in aspects such as these - she and I get along great .

Anyways - moral of the story, I blew her away.

Everyone is built differently. Different talents, different traits, different body shapes.

I'm good at sports. I'm fast. I'm competitive as all get out. I have muscles on accident.  And I, TJ, am an ATHLETE.

Despite what I eat, where I work, and what I do in my free time: throw me on a field, give me a team and you've got yourself someone who will play to win every time. 

How many times in a day do you look at someone and judge who they are, and what they can or cannot do in life?

I'll be honest. I do it daily .

I look at people walking into certain buildings on campus and all I can think is "there's no way". (A girl who is a little heavier walking Into the dance building, a cheerleader walking into the neuroscience building, ect)

I know girls on my team that at a first glance no one would EVER guess they had a beast mode-

But I've witnessed it.

So why do we judge so quickly?

Why is it okay for us to be surprised that someone is capable of doing something because they LOOK like they shouldn't be?!

That heavier set girl is one of the best contemporary dancers I've ever witnessed , that cheerleader happens to be working a 4.0 Gpa for her full ride scholarship (that was completely based on academics) and my team mates, all of my teamates, kick ass.

One of the most dangerous things we can do, especially in college, is judge. 

We could be missing out.

Food for thought. #rantoftheday